Confession: I used to be a chronic people pleaser. It wasn’t obvious—it’s not simply a case of just saying “yes” to every little thing. Most of the time, I genuinely thought I was being kind or helpful—that I was giving. Looking back, I can see how I blurred the lines between people pleasing and people serving, because my boundaries and values weren’t clear. My pleasing often left me feeling tired and resentful.
Understanding the difference between people pleasing and people serving is important for us all, but especially so if you’re a leader, entrepreneur, or creative and your work and impact depends on strong relationships.
This post dives into the hidden costs of people pleasing, the power of people serving, and how to make the change so you can show up more authentically and feel more balanced, joyful, and fulfilled.
What Is People Pleasing?
By now you’re probably well aware of the term—it’s been around for decades. It started with psychologists exploring approval-seeking behaviour in relationships 70 years ago. Conversations about mental health and self-care in recent decades has led “people pleasing” to become part of our everyday language.
At its core, people pleasing is about putting others’ needs, expectations, or desires above your own. It can seem like kindness or thoughtfulness, but it often stems from a deeper fear of rejection or conflict.
The outcome is that people pleasing can leave you feeling drained, unfulfilled, and stuck in relationships that feel unbalanced and more like obligations than connections. Cue the bitterness and burnout.
How to Spot People Pleasing
Some signs of people pleasing are obvious, but others are sneakier.
Obvious Signs of People Pleasing
- Saying yes when you really want to say no.
- Overcommitting to avoid disappointing anyone.
- Avoiding conflict at all costs.
- Apologising excessively—even when it’s unnecessary.
Constantly seeking validation or reassurance.
Subtle Signs of People Pleasing
- Feeling responsible for other people’s emotions.
- Overexplaining your decisions to justify yourself.
- Downplaying your success to avoid making others uncomfortable.
- Feeling guilty for setting boundaries or prioritising your own needs.
- Overthinking every little interaction.
- Avoiding asking for help because you don’t want to bother anyone.
The Hidden Costs of People Pleasing
People pleasing doesn’t just leave you feeling unappreciated—it can eat away even further at your authenticity and boundaries. As leaders, entrepreneurs, and creatives, it can result in decisions driven by approval seeking rather than decisions led by values. Here are some other costs:
Emotional Exhaustion
You’re so busy pleasing everyone else that you forget to care for yourself. You feel exhausted, have little energy, and there is a lack of real joy in your life.
Loss of Authenticity
When you suppress your true feelings to make other people happy or “keep the peace”, you lose touch with who you really are. Sooner or later, you don’t actually recognise the person looking back at you in the mirror.
Erosion of Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are non-negotiable for wellbeing, but people pleasing blurs the lines of where you end and others begin. You feel responsible for other peoples feelings, and take on their emotions as your own.
Missed Opportunities
Spreading yourself too thin and trying to help everyone else means missing out on things that truly align with your purpose. This can keep you stuck and stagnating.
Increased Stress and Anxiety
When you’re living for the approval of others and fearing rejection, it creates a constant state of stress and anxiety. Thoughts of “What if they didn’t like me? Did I sound like an idiot?” on loop, forever.
Why People Serving is the Better Path
People pleasing and people serving may look similar on the surface, but they emerge from very different places.
People Pleasing: Rooted in fear, insecurity, unworthiness, and an anxious attachment style. You desire to offer support and care for others: deep-down you would just love it if for once others’ supported and cared for you in the same way.
People Serving: Rooted in values, purpose and connection. The relationship is focused on adding value, rather than seeking intimacy or approval. You honour your own needs, knowing that you are just as valuable, worthy, and deserving of care as anybody else.
Switching from people pleasing to people serving doesn’t mean you stop being kind or generous—it just means your actions align with your values and authenticity and fill your cup up first.
The Benefits of People Serving
Stronger Relationships
You’ll attract people who genuinely appreciate you for who you are—not for what you can do for them.
Better Leadership
People serving comes from a place of strength and empowers you to inspire and uplift others without sacrificing your self.
A Bigger Impact
By focusing your energy on what truly matters to you and not what you think other people or society expects of, you’ll create meaningful change in the world around you.
Personal Fulfilment
Serving from a place of authenticity feels good because you are living in alignment with your true self.
Creative Freedom
When you stop worrying about pleasing everyone, you free yourself to create work that truly resonates.
Making the Shift: From Pleasing to Serving
If this feels easier said than done, don’t worry—change takes time and intention. Here’s where to start:
Clarify Your Values
Get clear on what matters most to you, and let those values guide your decisions. Aim for 2-3 core values and use them to guide everything you say yes and no to.
Set Boundaries
Practice saying “no” to what doesn’t align with your values, goals, or priorities. Once you are living by your values, boundary setting will come easier.
Focus on Impact, Not Approval
Rather than walking into a room with the mindset of “What will they think?” shift your perspective to “How can I add value?”.
Embrace Vulnerability
Authenticity very often requires vulnerability, to show up as we are rather than what we think other people expect. Set the intention to be open and honest, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Prioritise Self-Care
We can’t pour from an empty cup, even though we try. Take care of yourself first so you can show up fully for others. Nobody wants the dregs of you.
For more tips on how to clarify your values, set boundaries, and prioritise self-care, check out Feeling Frazzled? 7 Steps to Overcome Overwhelm and Reclaim Your Energy
Real-World Examples of Shifting from People Pleasing to People Serving
Letting Go of Micromanaging
Sarah is the type of leader who wants everything to go perfectly—and because of that, she’s constantly swooping in to fix things herself. She micromanages her team, thinking it’s the best way to keep things afloat. But the result is that her team feels smothered and Sarah is so stretched that she can’t focus on the big picture.
Sarah realises that she’s not actually helping anyone by doing it all for them. So instead of hovering, she starts delegating. She sets clear expectations, offers helpful guidance, and – here’s the tough part – trusts her team to deliver. It’s not easy at first, but her team feels more confident and engaged, and Sarah finally has time to focus on what she does best: leading with vision.
By empowering her team instead of overburdening herself with responsibilities, Sarah creates a more productive and happier workplace.
Saying No to Overpromising
Raj is an entrepreneur who’s been saying “yes” to everything his clients ask for. Custom features? Sure. A ridiculous timeline? No problem. But after a few months, he’s stressed, his team is burned out, and his clients—ironically—aren’t happy either because the rushed work lacks attention to detail and falls short of expectations.
Raj decides it’s time to start being honest with clients about what’s realistic and what isn’t. Instead of overpromising, he explains his process and focuses on delivering top-notch solutions that align with his expertise. For example, when a client asks for a new feature in two weeks, he doesn’t just agree to keep them happy. Instead, he shares a realistic timeline and assures them the quality will be worth the wait.
The outcome? Happier clients, a stronger reputation, and a less stressed Raj. By focusing on serving with integrity, he turns his business around.
Writing for Yourself First
Emma’s a writer who’s been so focused on what’s trending—what people might want to read—that her work doesn’t feel like her anymore. She’s writing to please everyone, and it’s draining. Even worse, her audience can sense that lack of authenticity, and they’re not sticking around.
Emma decides she’s done chasing trends and instead leans into what she really loves writing about, even if it doesn’t feel “marketable” at first. She starts telling stories that matter to her, and as a result her work comes alive. Sure, it takes time to find her people, but when she does, they’re all in. The readers connect with her authenticity, and Emma finds joy in writing again.
By serving her audience through genuine storytelling, rather than trying to fit into every trend, she builds a loyal following and rediscovers her creative spark.
Ready to Make the Shift?
Breaking free from people pleasing isn’t easy, especially if you’ve been in that role for a long time, but it’s worth it.
When you step into people serving, you reclaim your energy, authenticity, and impact.
If you’re ready to take the next step, I’d love to support you on your journey to purposeful and service-based leading through my Program Awakened Achievers™️. Click here to read more about the program.
Showing up as your authentic self is your greatest gift to the world. Share your heart and gifts wildly!